Tears Before Theories
Meeting The Cast
If you grew up with emotionally immature parents, you played many possible roles.
The Therapist.
The Explainer.
The Translator.
The Consoler.
The Clown.
The Therapist: She tries to help them understand themselves so they can understand you better. A chance to be seen. A chance to be known by them. Maybe if she can help them…the family can be whole.
The Explainer: She explains her intentions. She explains she meant well. She explains just exactly what she was thinking. A chance to be understood by the exact people she needs to understand her.
The Translator: She get’s busy translating your soul. Translating your thoughts and your words so they won’t be misconstrued. Misunderstandings lead to anger and chaos.
The Consoler: She shows up when the parent needs her. She holds things she shouldn’t be holding to be useful and earn connection. She helps them feel better about the state of the state. I am fine. You are fine. We are fine.
The Clown: She is so funny. She uses her light to make the room feel a bit more joyful. She diverts from the chaos. She travels with you so she can jump in when needed…ensuring a small disagreement doesn’t turn into a war.
Maybe you recognize these parts? Maybe a different cast of characters was necessary in your dysfunctional family?
Take a moment with me to consider how these parts continue to show up in your life. Where are they functioning? With whom have they found a job? Do you still use them to earn connection? Do they change the energy of a room when you become uncomfortable?
Have you ever wondered who they had to leave to protect everyone? You weren’t born explaining, translating, teaching and consoling. I promise you, that is not “just your personality”.
You have an internal system full of extraordinary doers and one little girl inside whose entire request has always been “will someone stay with me?”
She doesn’t translate. She doesn’t help them understand themselves. She doesn’t explain. She doesn’t divert.
She is not useful.
She is just herself.
Can you remember her?
Before she had to adapt for survival. Before she had to earn connection.
Can you stay with her for just a moment?
She is realizing all that she lost. She is realizing she’s been alone for a long time. She is realizing that those parts are still working hard for something she no longer has to earn.
Can you allow her to grieve? Just grieve all that she lost. Grieve her childhood, the family that once was. Grieve what they couldn’t or wouldn’t do.
I know the parts of us want to get busy understanding what happened. I know they are beginning to hypothesize and empathize.
But maybe…..maybe just for a moment….we let her grieve. Let her feel.
Notice when your mind tries to divert the attention to understanding them. Notice when a part of you tries to come up with one more way to explain. Notice when your inner therapist reminds you that you have the capacity to….so it’s your responsibility.
Sitting with grief is uncomfortable and those parts of you are used to working instead of feeling.
Now….gently bring them back. They have a little girl to sit with. She needs all of you now. Those parts leave you to gain connection with them….but remember that the particular kind of connection they are trying to earn, requires disconnection from you….from that little girl inside waiting.
Let’s just sit with her today. No work to do. No one to understand but you.
